depression

i wake up. i look at the clock. i try to remember the last time i woke up, and the time before that, and the time before that. all in the same night. all in the same twenty minutes, maybe. definitely after i last went to bed. i count how many minutes until my alarm goes off again. i lie there. i sleep a little. i lie there some more. i wake up.

i count how many minutes until my alarm goes off again. i wake up.

i count how many minutes until i should have been up already. i wake up.

i count how many minutes until i should have left for work. i wake up.

i think of an excuse. i perfect my story. i lie there.

i lie there.

i think about the bills i have not paid yet, the questions i have not answered, all the people in this day i can look forward to disappointing.

i cry.

i wake up.

i put a foot out, feeling for the ground. i try to remember the last time i brushed my teeth.

i look at my hair, greasy and matted into strange patterns. i cringe as i pull it up. not enough to wash it.

i try to remember the last time i cared about anything.

i brush my teeth because my gums have started bleeding on their own. i contemplate the heart disease i have surely developed by this point. i wonder if this is why i have had heart palpitations for the last year. i start planning my reaction when the doctor tells me it is inoperable. i count how many months i have left to live.

i log on.

i try to focus. sometimes i succeed. mostly when people talk to me.

my cat yells at me. i step away from the screen long enough to give him food and shut off the coffee machine that i still haven’t used since my roommate set the timer for me two months ago.

i debate what pants i would be wearing if i were wearing pants.

i debate whether i should put masking tape over the camera on my laptop so my colleagues don’t see me in greasy hair and pajamas.

i try to remember a time my back didn’t need popping. i try to imagine what it feels like to have actual pain and not just emotional pain. i feel like a wuss.

i see a picture of my nephew and burst into tears.

i look at okcupid. everyone is stupid and no one interests me. i look at the messages i have yet to answer. another thing to feel guilty about.

i try to focus. i send a funny gif to a coworker, because that at least keeps me somewhat on task.

i wonder what would happen if i just laid here, if i stopped responding to everything, if i stopped eating, if i stopped even bothering to get out of bed. i have already lost fifteen pounds in a month. i wonder if i could lose the rest.

i start thinking about quitting time. then i realize it doesn’t matter, because i’m going to do the same thing i was doing before quitting time anyway.

i click links. i copy. i paste. someone asks me questions and i answer. i try to plan for tomorrow.

i am not going to have enough money to get through the rest of the year. i don’t know what to do about this. i try to plan for tomorrow.

everyone i love is far away and no one cares enough about me to find out what is going on. i don’t love anyone. i don’t care that anyone loves me. the only thing that exists is this bed and this couch and netflix. i don’t need love. i can live on indifference.

i turn on the tv.

please no one ask me how i am doing. please no one ask me how i am doing. please god somebody anybody ask me how i am doing. no wait.

i turn off the tv.

the day is over. now i can do whatever i please.

i keep my laptop open. i turn on the tv.

hours later, i go to bed. my laptop is open beside me until i can no longer deal with its bright light. i snap the clamshell shut and prop it against the side table.

i lie there.

i wake up.

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About betterpast

Thirty-seven and counting. View all posts by betterpast

3 responses to “depression

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